I love you

 “I love you so much”

The words burned somewhere in your heart with anguish, and they extinguished flames of desire.

You’d wanted to hear them forever.

But in a different setting.

Not in a text before rushing to the hospital.

Not before being forced to see them with a tube down their nose.

Not like that.

You’d seen those eyes in every mood imaginable.

Happy.

Sad.

Pissed.

Passionate.

Drunk.

Lustful. (Not towards you. Never towards you)

But this glazed over look hit like an ice shard to your heart that beat only for the one struggling to do so on the hospital bed.

Perhaps it was that very connection that clued you in.

Perhaps it was the years spent close but only dreaming of together.

Perhaps it was the love that you had poured in to compensate for the lack on the other side.

Perhaps it was the fact that you both had been inseparable for so long that the very possibility of it made you come rushing.

But thank every power out there, that you had sensed something was wrong.

“Where do you think we go after we die?”

“Heaven I guess. Or whatever you believe in.”

“Do you think Heaven is a nice place?”

“Welp, it’s a toss up between your paradise and boring cloud wallpaper.”

You didn’t laugh, strangely enough.

“If we’re on the topic, what do you think happens after we die?”

“I think we become stars, watching over the ones we love,”

“Yeah? So you’re saying that one right there is someone that loves me?”

“You have so many stars to love you, my sky is a little cloudy.”

You didn’t know what to say.

You didn’t know what had brought this on.

You didn’t know how to direct it somewhere better.

“All this talk is making me sleepy. Tell me a story?”

“All right. Let me tell you the story of Pandora.”

Hope is a fickle thing.

She keeps showing up around the corner and disappearing when you reach there panting.

She keeps waving in the distance, only to disappear in the blink of an eye.

She keeps enticing the tips of your fingers and running away.

But still we hope.

And so had you.

You’d hoped that you would be something more.

You’d hoped that those chocolate eyes would fill with something more than just platonic love.

You’d hoped they’d darken the same way yours did when they changed on set.

You’d hope those cheeks burnt during stray touches.

You’d hoped someday, You’d hear those words with something more than friendship behind them.

You hoped that you’d be able to hear them say all of these things.

“Would you miss me? If I went away?”

“What kind of a question is that? Of course I would.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t ever make one person your whole world.”

You already had.

When they started suctioning the water out, you still couldn’t look away.

Even though the sight shook you to your core.

Even though every suction felt like it was vacuuming his soul.

You felt as though if he didn’t watch them take every breath, that chest you’d longed to feel against your own, wouldn’t rise.

You felt as though if you didn’t watch every flicker of their eyes, the pupils you’d longed to see yourself in would be hidden away forever.

You felt as though if you didn’t feel every sting of pain from the arm clutching yours desperately, You’d forget how those palms felt.

You felt as though you’d lose them.

“What were you thinking?”

“I was not.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Didn’t you stop to think about what would happen to the people who loved you? To me?”

“I’d become a star looking over you in your sky and stop looking at my dark one.”

They said they’d be okay.

But what about them?

Would they ever be the same again?

Would You still be able to love in silence, when the threat of death deafened?

Would You still be able to look away from those lips, now that he’d seen them cold and blue?

Would You still be able to keep yourself away, when every second with that threat felt like agony?

You weren't a fool.

You knew that telling them You loved them wouldn’t help.

You knew that letting your existence revolve around one person was disastrous.

You knew from experience.

But you were going to try.

Try to find them reasons.

Try to find them solutions.

Try to find them missing pieces.

Try to find them anchors, railings, chains.

Try to find them love, which he couldn’t see.

“Hey?”

“Yeah?”

“You remember when you told me not to let my whole world revolve around one person?”

“Yeah?”

“What did you mean?”

“Do you want the honest answer or the vague answer?”

“Honest.”

“I was speaking from experience.”

“What?”

“You’re my whole world. And my world won’t be mine forever.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at you. You’ve got places to go, people to love, things to achieve. I’m not going to hold you back because I can’t bear to see you walk through that door.”

“What?”

“Do I really have to spell it out for you?”

“Yes?”

“I’m in love with you. And I couldn’t bear to think you wouldn’t be a star in my pitch black sky.”

Head still reeling, heart still thundering, You leapt forward to crush your lips onto theirs.

Those soft lips.

Those lips You had been dreaming of.

Those lips You had stared at.

Those lips You had watched lose their rosy tint.

Those lips, against your own.

Those lips, kissing you back with equal fervour.

Those lips, tainted with the salty taste of combined tears, but still tasting wondrously, of them.

As they pulled apart, you felt a part of his heart break in the way that would make the mending so much sweeter.

You knew you still had miles to go before the two of you could be whole, be together.

But at least you had each other.

But at least you loved each other.

Until you could love yourselves.